I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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