I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
