I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
