new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
