Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I am spending my child support on dildos
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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