Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
