this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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