so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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