I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
soo... how was my night?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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