Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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