Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize