I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
