So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
