Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
