Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
