Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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