My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
