Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
