sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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