My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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