So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
