please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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