At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
foreskin is a definite game changer
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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