dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
