I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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