I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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