and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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