i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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