you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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