I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
