I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
