You made me cry and you don't even care
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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