just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
