Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Randomize
