I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
