Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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