how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
