im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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