and i looked up. we had an audience...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
