Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
