Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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