I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
