she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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