I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
