I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
