The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
