i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
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I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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