Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
