it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize