I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
