I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
