that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
