I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
