I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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