Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
