just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
