Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
