explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
